Monday 14 January 2013

Part 1: how Prof. Gilderoy Lockhart works out a project.


What can happen when Prof. Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League; and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award, becomes your supervisor

My former supervisor is a good-natured person and an owner of a charming smile. Everyone, who knows him, would agree on this, even I still think so. At the beginning, I thought that my supervisor has a clear vision of our goals and a firm plan of action. The instructions that I got, however, sounded like these: “You know, I am interested in arbuscular mycorrhyzal fungi*... Please, investigate something interesting about them.” Up to that point of my life, I have never seen miracle arbuscular mycorrhyzal fungi before and trusted supervisor that AMF are the last hope for sustainable agriculture. Probably, I was not agitated enough to propose something truly grandiose, so after a while, my supervisor provided me with an article of another respectful expert in AMF, and a heap of PVC pipes, and asked me:
a. to construct traps for AMF from the PVC pipes and pieces of mesh;
b. to catch and tame wild AMF from Uppsala region

I must admit, I am a very bad plumber – traps, constructed by me from the PVC pipes looked awful. Nevertheless, eager to perform the task, I made my own, more feminine traps. They seemed to work and after a few months I caught my first sample of the arbuscular mycorrhyzal fungi! But after I saw them under a microscope a heavy doubt started teasing me: AMF caught by me must have been in a last stage of dystrophy, or otherwise they cannot be a hope for agriculture. For more than a year I nursed my AMF flock. I watered and fed them and provided with different host plants to live on, but nothing helped – my AMF did not want to grow the way that was prescribed by the classic articles, plus other fungi overgrew them rapidly.

I tormented my supervisor with questions on how to improve AMF cultures. He was always an inexhaustible source of stories about ancient techniques of taming AMF. Unfortunately, he found it difficult to show how it was done in practice.

After more than a year struggle, I decided prepare carefully my supervisor's mind to the idea that nothing useful can be done about AMF without tampering the results and that I do not possess the necessary result tampering talent. Probably he still thinks that I failed with the implementation of his grandiose plan because I am a squib. When it became clear, that all attempts to “investigate something interesting about AMF” came to a dead end, I proposed him my own project and finally got his blessings to start with it.

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* arbuscular mycorrhyzal fungi (AMF) – mysterious microorganisms. A little thicker than a human hair; 1-5 cm long. Found on plant roots. “Scientists” believe that AMF defend plants from biotic and abiotic stresses; supply them with water; persistently feed plants with phosphorus, nitrogen, magnesium, iron, potassium, calcium, magnum, copper, cadmium, selenium, and, possible, iodine. AMF also were proved to purify plant's karma.

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